I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
