Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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