I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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