so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
