Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
