Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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