some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
