Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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