i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
