If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he thought i was a dude.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
