the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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