he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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