My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
