i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
