what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
