Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
