Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
