y did u give ur computer a hand job?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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