I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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