I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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