I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
