Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
