he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
