youre lurking in front of me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
