Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
