I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
