Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
