An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
