All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
