My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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