So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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