The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
