Betty ford says i'm here all night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
