There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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