I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Are my feet made of real feet?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
