Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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