East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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