I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
