We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
