Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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