I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
