It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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