Just mADE A PArabola og urine
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
