Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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