did you get engaged???
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
