I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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