Tell her she can't have a vagina
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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