Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
