I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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