the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Welp...herpes.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
